Exhaustion is making a home
August 12, 2009 § Leave a comment
I feel I should preface this entry with a small note to explain, perhaps, my late sad mood. My best friend, we’ll call her Smitty on the blog, made a decision earlier this summer that she would not be returning to the university to complete her dissertation. Rather, she’ll be “dissertating” remotely in her hometown in New York state, which means it will be much more difficult to see her and hang out with her. She was my first friend I made as an adult, and I know she’ll be one of those friends who will always be a part of my life. I have known about this decision since Robert and I returned from the honeymoon (or shortly thereafter), but I did not actually deal with the reality of the consequences until the Thursday night before the Saturday she moved. After Robert fell asleep, I fell to pieces–he awoke to my near hyperventilating. When he told me to draw a full breath (after “threatening” to get a paper bag for me to breathe in), I literally dissolved; I babbled incoherently about how I was trying not to cry but if I breathed properly then I was going to cry and I didn’t want to cry because then my face would be all puffy and I was supposed to see the movie tomorrow with my sister and Smitty and etc. etc. etc. Poor Robert was awoken from sleep to a wife who could only blubber in his ear. He held me and comforted me and told me very sweet things, and finally ended with, “You know Smitty would never let you hear the end of it if she knew you were crying this hard over her.” This time I dissolved into giggles and nearly started hyperventilating again. When Smitty and I said our tearful goodbyes on Friday night, I drove away feeling like a boulder sat on my chest. I went home to my husband’s encircling arms and cried some more in his shirt. Smitty and I aren’t going to be able to write our dissertations together, as we had originally imagined for ourselves, in the graduate study room in the library…or in our very favorite coffee shop. But we’ll be okay, and I support Smitty in this move. I know she will flourish in this environment much more so than she ever could have done in this one. I’m proud of her…and a little jealous. Sometimes a girl wants a change in scenery from the same university (especially as she approaches her sixth year in the same place).