Time for a change?
December 12, 2010 § 18 Comments
First, I apologize emphatically for what is about to be an extremely vague post. There’s a part of me that still feels like I have to protect myself, despite all the literature I’ve read that advises otherwise. I’ve simply been groomed to believe (whether erroneously or not) that speaking freely has the potential to destroy everything I’ve worked so hard to build. So, for that, I hope you will forgive me and will understand. If all goes according to my hopes, you should be getting answers in a few weeks.
It all boils down to this: I’ve cried a lot lately.* Like, A LOT. And my tears are consistently to do with asking myself (or being asked by people who care about me), “Are you happy?” Even if my over-protective logical centers reply, “Oh yes, I’m fine,” it’s fairly obvious that my reactive physical centers are revealing a different truth. I am currently grappling with questions of selfishness and practicality. For instance, if something’s wrong, if I’m truly not happy, then is it selfish to seek out happiness? What might I stand to lose by keeping my current trajectory? What do I stand to gain? What do I stand to lose by shifting gears? What do I stand to gain? How will this help or hurt my family? Robert? Will people be disappointed in me? Who? Will I be disappointed in me?
Those last three questions are the most painful. I’m constantly telling others that I don’t care what people think of me. Generally, that’s true. If Joe Schmoe thinks I’m a bit salty in my language or naive or reactive, who cares? I don’t know Joe Schmoe; he’s not important to me. But I do care about the opinions of my friends and family…and immediate authority figures. It matters to me if people’s expectations of me aren’t met; if I fail them somehow. And it matters to me if I don’t meet the goals I originally set for myself. But I’ve been wondering if avoiding disappointment is worth not being happy. And that’s where the selfishness question comes in again.
Every day I have a different approach to these questions. Yesterday, for example, I felt more confident than I seem to feel today. Tomorrow I might feel better. It’s really frustrating to be in this confusing place right now.
Again…I apologize for the vague entry. I know it’s not fair, and it’s certainly not fun to read. I swear in a few weeks I’ll offer more explanation.
*No, I’m not pregnant nor am I PMSing, so minds off my uterus, please. 😉