On hesitation: a meditation

April 5, 2011 § 10 Comments

Savasana. Corpse pose. My favorite. I lie on my mat, palms turned upward in reception, eyes gently closed, facial muscles newly relaxed, feet slightly spread apart. This pose mimics my favorite time of the day. My favorite position of the day. Sleep tastes like a rare delicacy. I luxuriate in it. I treasure it. I protect it.

But I’m not asleep, I have to remind myself. Savasana is separate from sleep because, although it is a resting pose, it is a meditative pose. Not a sleeping one. I shift gears. Meditate. Meditate. C’mon, Amanda. You can do this.

What a funny phrase.

“You can do this.”

Both forceful and encouraging. At once a command and a reassurance.

If I truly can do this, why should I need a reminder? Shouldn’t strength of will outweigh simple potential to act? Then why, with all the capacity necessary to accomplish, why do I just not?

Don’t forget. I always struggle to focus on the meditation during savasana. I’m in pain and allow the distraction to wash me ashore. Don’t forget the cover letter and resume. I acknowledge the distraction. Don’t forget that you have no practice. But you can do this.

The cover letter and resume. The job. Posted on March 29th; applications to be reviewed on April 15th. Tax day. Don’t forget. I won’t. The cover letter and resume. My stomach twists, and I sink into the sand. You can do this.

The reminder is insistent. Persistent.

I’m unsure.

Meditation rises and crashes over me, dragging me under; slowly, I float again.

I’m unsure.

Why hesitate? Meditation wonders, gently rocking me.
Because. I respond, a defiant teenager.
You have some experience. You have credentials. Meditation brings me closer. She’s warm, but I feel cool.
But. My feeble retort.
It doesn’t hurt to try. She returns me ashore. You can do this. I feel the ground beneath me.

I’m awake, alert, aware.

And unsure.

Eyes still closed, I know what to do. I know how to do it. But I’m unsure.

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§ 10 Responses to On hesitation: a meditation

  • Dana says:

    This is a beautiful post, Amanda. *Just breathe*. *Just be.* πŸ™‚

  • Lisa says:

    You can do this, Amanda. This is beautifully written and I know you can do it. I hate the process. I despise writing cover letters and applying for jobs. But I can do it, and so can you. And you know what, even though rejection hurts, with every rejection you are one step closer to the job of your dreams. You can do this. (And if you want feedback on your letter or anything, let me know).

    • Mrs. H. says:

      Thank you so much, Lisa! It’s tricky applying for a non-academic job, since I have a CV…but they don’t want the CV, lol. I managed to write the resume and cover letter, but I’m worried about the way I “sold” my skills, lol. I’m going to sit on it for a day, and then I’ll probably e-mail it to you for feedback! πŸ™‚ Thanks for the offer! πŸ™‚

  • Beautiful prose–so musical, so meditative, so lovely! Well done, Amanda–YOU can do this!

  • jacquelincangro says:

    Lovely poetic post. I struggle with “monkey mind” also – the uncertainty and the fear threaten to drown us sometimes, but ride the wave to the top. You can do it!

  • Cori says:

    I know exactly how you feel. I recently applied for five jobs all at once, and I panicked the whole time. My cover letter was wrong, my CV wasn’t impressive enough, I’ve been teaching high school for the past two years…I’m really good at second-guessing myself. Even now, after the applications are in and I can’t really do anything, I’m obsessing. I’m trying to accept that I probably can’t change that about myself, but I can immediately counter those thoughts with positive ones. Put out good energy and it’ll come back to you!

    • Mrs. H. says:

      Thanks, Cori. I’m glad I’m not alone on this. πŸ™‚ It’s exciting that you recently applied to so many new potential jobs! I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you. πŸ™‚

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