Battling the I Don’t Wanna’s, part two: giving in

May 28, 2011 § 9 Comments

Yesterday, I lowered my sword Steel Will, fatigued and drained. I stared up at the Dragon “I Would But” and croaked, “You win.” I fell to my knees, too exhausted to hold up my own body. “I Would But” spewed black bile of guilt, shame, and humiliation over my head, drenching me until I became invisible.

I met V at our coffee shop for our weekly debriefing meetings. In these meetings, we give each other progress reports, offer support and encouragement when it’s needed (and wag our fingers on occasion). Twice while we talked, I felt close to tears. But we were in public, and I had to gain some control over myself. Today, I don’t remember what brought me to tears. It could only have been utter emotional exhaustion.

V left to meet a friend for lunch, and I called Robert. “I don’t think I can do it today, honey,” I murmured over the phone. The shame I felt giving in overpowered my ability to speak at a normal volume. With nary a negative word, Robert agreed. “You have to listen to your body, Amanda,” he consoled me. I went home to my husband and ate lunch. We went to the movies (Hangover 2, which is a must see if you enjoyed the first). We had dinner and caught up on our TiVo recordings. I forgot to write a post.

I rested.

Today I will dig my way through the mire of guilt and humiliation. I will draw up Steel Will once more and climb to my feet. I will engage the idle Dragon in battle. And I will win.

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§ 9 Responses to Battling the I Don’t Wanna’s, part two: giving in

  • Jackie Paulson Author says:

    I am well rested now too… Happy Memorial Day weekend. Jackie 🙂

  • Woman Wielding Words says:

    Amanda, I second Robert’s words, “You have to listen to your body.” You also have to be kind to yourself. If you need time off, take time off. I’m not saying forever, but a day or two will only make you focus better. You had a tough blow this week, you deserve a break.

    • Mrs. H. says:

      Thank you, Lisa. On one hand, I feel like I should just get over it already. And on the other hand, I know how unrealistic that is. It helps to hear it from others, though. Thank you for validating what I’m going through. 🙂

      • Woman Wielding Words says:

        I’m still hurting from rejections past and failed interviews. I think it goes with the territory of being an intelligent woman who knows what she is capable of, but has trouble showing that to others. You and I are very similar. You have to give yourself time to feel, and then kick yourself in the butt and move forward. I’m here to help.

  • Tori Nelson says:

    No one ever died from taking a breather. Now NOT taking a breather? I’d bet a few have gone out this way. I think Robert was 100% right. Take a minute to regroup. Your off moments prepare you for the On’s.

  • limr says:

    I agree with your husband and all the other commenters: you did the right thing. Maybe you could have fought through the exhaustion, but how good would be the product of that fight? Taking a break invigorates you and your work.

  • Yes, you need to allow yourself a “breather.” Hang in there, my friend! I’m cheering for you, Amanda!

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